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AP
Posted Oct. 31, 2025
Anywhere, USA

Crazy Cat Collectors Caught in Condominium Raid
by Joan Doe

Nathan and Wilma Fritz were apprehended by
authorities yesterday with two cats. Authorities told
the press that Nathan, aged 35 and his wife, Wilma,
aged 28, were keeping the illegal animals in their
condominium along with black market canned food.
According to Federal Legislation passed in 2023 private
citizens, are not allowed to own any animals. Canned
foods intended for carnivore consumption is also
forbidden according to legislation passed in 2024 making
possession and consumption of all animal products illegal.

The only legal facilities allowed to possess animals, usually
dogs and cats, are state and federally recognized zoos.
When the 2023 bill was passed by the House and Senate,
all citizens were ordered to release their animals to proper
authorities for immediate euthanasia. Long time
spokespersons for PETA and HSUS felt that the bill was a
true victory for animal rights. Joe Blow, spokesperson for
PETA, said, "These animals are better off dead than having
to suffer the companionship of humans".

When asked how the authorities found out about the illicit
felines, police said that the two individuals had been under
surveillance for some time. Mandatory psychological
examinations conducted by the couples' respective employers
revealed potential mental illness. Compassion, an interest in
life-forms other than human, a tendency to dangerous
individualism, belief in personal rights, along with a past
history of animal ownership, all contributed to the suspicion
that lead authorities to begin the surveillance operations.

The Fritz's are currently being held by authorities. The
penalties will be decided based on a comprehensive
psychological evaluation to determine the recidivism potential.
The minimum penalty for owning an animal is seizure of all
property relating to the possession of such animal with the
maximum penalty being confiscation of all personal assets and
life-imprisonment. The two cats, an 11 year old, neutered
male, and a 16 year old spayed female, were immediately
euthanized.